Disappointment

I am being slowly fired.

Each week, I ascend to the staff room to stare at the great Casuals Roster, where I am identified by first name and last initial. I tilt my head to find my name, I pan across the columns of days, and I note down what I discover.
I have never yet had an empty roster. Never yet. But slowly, week by week, my roster diminishes. A month ago, I was working about twenty-five hours a week. Steady. Two weeks ago, I worked twenty. The week before this one, I had eight hours. This week? Five.

They have every reason not to like me. I'm a terrible worker. I'm slow. I stammer when I speak to customers and co-workers alike. The coffees I make are hit and miss, and I take my time to make 'em.

Despite knowing these things, I cannot improve. I'd love to be better, but somehow whenever I resolve to build my confidence, I stumble and fall.

When I was a child, I was always top of my class. Throughout primary and secondary schooling, I received top grades and adulation from peers and teachers. I was good. Hell, I was even the best. I never really thought to worry about those who received the Cs... those who failed and struggled and hated themselves. As a girl of thoughts and ideals, I'd like to say all of us were equal. But we aren't. Some people can't write so well, and some can't kick a footy so far. I can't kick a footy. I can't dance. I can't beat out a rhythm on a drum.
But I didn't care about any of those things, because I was smart. I was proud and I simply didn't notice that I was incapable of doing anything except thinking.

Now, however, I am losing all that made me proud of myself. Finishing the second year of my degree, I am losing momentum. I have stopped learning; I have stopped trying. I hardly read. I shrug off average marks. And I feel like I'm losing another job.

Those kids that failed English class - and the ones that passed, but never really made it past average - those kids are now my managers. How did they get there? Surely they were crushed by failure and mediocrity. Surely they resigned themselves to a life in accordance with such. And then - perhaps they built themselves up. Perhaps they found their strengths and learned to succeed. Perhaps, as I cling to achievements of seasons past, they climb to reach higher ones.

I'm not nearly as clever as I once believed.